This includes women who:
Never have orgasms
Want to have more frequent orgasms
Desire orgasms in different ways
Want more intense orgasms
Usually this problem requires consultation with a gynecologist. There are, however, some suggestions that are generally helpful.
If you never have orgasms:
Focus on what feels good. Give your partner feedback.
Explore and touch yourself (masturbation) to discover exactly how you like to be touched. Then you can teach your partner.
If you want to increase the frequency, type or intensity of your orgasms, think of it as a project like athletic training. Consider the exact goal, then plan how to reach it.
Relaxation is very important, so you can’t have any concerns about pregnancy or STD. Handle these issues first!
The details of your plan depend on what you want, your partner and your relationship. To develop a program consult your gynecologist or a sex therapist. As an example, here’s an outline for the situation where a woman who has never had an orgasm wants to have simultaneous orgasms with her partner:
Take some time to be by yourself and explore what kinds of touching feel good. Include your partner in the fantasy. Imagine what he might be doing to you, and what you would be doing to him. Part of your touching should include touching the area of your clitoris with your fingers, while you are on your back with your legs spread apart. The position is important. Also imagine having intecourse with your boyfriend at the same time. Continue with this self-exploration until you are able to have an orgasm. This will take more or less time depending on your committment of time and energy.
After you have accomplished the first step, practice having orgasms in the same way. Always use your fingers to caress your clitoris, on your back, legs spread apart, thinking about having intercourse with your boyfriend. Pretend you’re auditioning for a part in a movie with your favorite movie star, and part of the audition is to have an orgasm, real or pretend. Exaggerate your orgasm with wild thrashing around and yelling and screaming.
Once you have become adept at this, it’s time to begin involving your boyfriend. Over the phone (not in person!!!), say something like, “I want to thank you for being part of an amazing experience I had. It’s kind of naughty, so I can’t give you all the details, but thanks a lot!” He will plead with you for details, and slowly you let them out. “I was just following doctor’s orders, touching myself to find out what I like, so I could show you. I kind of got carried away and I was imagining having sex with you and I had this orgasm like you read about in the magazines. It was so powerful, I thought I might lose consciousness. It was like my body was hit by lightning! It was one of the most intense experiences of my life, and I just wanted to thank you for your participation.”
At this point, his interest in participating more directly will be very high. Initially, you tell him that he can’t watch you, then you relent. He can watch, but he has to follow your rules. While you touch yourself he should (choose all or some): Kiss your mouth, neck, or breasts. Hold you in his arms. Put one or two fingers inside your vagina, but not move them. Then tell him you’re probably not going to have a real orgasm, but you’ll fake one anyhow. Don’t put performance pressure on yourself. Eventually, or immediately, you’ll be able to have orgasms with him present, and they’ll be more intense than before.
The next step is for him to insert his penis into your vagina while you touch yourself. He has to hold himself up to give you room, so tell him to practice doing push-ups. He is not allowed to move his penis in and out, only a little bit if he starts to loose his erection. Then you begin to have orgasms like that. Once you can do this, you allow him to have an orgasm when you tell him, which will be just before you know yours is about to happen.
That’s it! It’s just that simple. It is kind of like learning an athletic skill. It can be great fun!
